Last time I counted I had visited 26 continental U.S. states. That does not include airport visits. That means driving through and/or stopping. I’ve seen the South, the Midwest, the Northeast, and the West. All have their charms, sure. Some less than others though.
With that in mind, here’s a list of 10 states I would not live in unless I was offered a Godfather deal to work and/or play there. Play there? I’ve been reading too much Bill Simmons and watching too much basketball.
Let’s get started offending people, shall we?
I’d rather live in a Morphine State than a Mormon State. Joseph Smith could conjure up fever dreams as majestic as the Great Salt Lake, and I would still say “go to hell.”
9. The Dakotas
Yeah, I know they are two states. However, in my mind, they are like conjoined twins existing in a cultural and commercial abyss, in which each day is just a lonely march to death.
A taxi driver/tourism director in Lincoln once told me there was nothing to do in Nebraska on Saturdays in the fall, except watch the Nebraska Cornhuskers play football. Thing is, I don’t like watching Nebraska’s football team. There is, literally, nothing for me to do in Nebraska on Saturdays in the fall.
6. South Carolina
Stop flying the Confederate Flag, you jackasses.
Here is the cream of the crap.
Sweet Baby Jesus! I can see Russia from my house! But seriously, THIS!!! makes me never want to live in Alaska.
I could see myself living in Alabama before the next three places on this list, which should not be construed as a positive reflection of Alabama so much as a negative reflection on the bottom three. Per Alabama: It’s called “The Heart of Dixie” and is in the center of the so-called Bible Belt. In the words of Chicago rapper Chief Keef, “that’s that shit I don’t like.”
3. New Mexico.
I spent a day in December 2010 driving through New Mexico and saw more trains than cars for long stretches. When I hear the word desolate, New Mexico comes to mind. Even driving through Albuquerque was a disappointment because it looked like one giant pueblo with zero pizzazz. No wonder Walter White chose to cook meth. There is nothing to do in New Mexico but bake in the sun, stare at rocks, and test a-bombs.
Oh man, this is like the American Idol finale, except somehow shittier.
“Thank God for Mississippi,” I said each time a new national study about teen pregnancy or gun violence or anything bad came out when I lived in Louisiana. The reason? Louisiana always finished second behind Mississippi. My repeated experiences with Mississippi and its poverty of the mind, soul, and spirit, have led me to conclude that if its residents ever sought to secede from the United States, no one should stop them. Let them become the third world country they are destined to be.
Who could No. 1 possibly be? A hint: It’s like a Dane Cook comedy special had sex with a Nickelback album in a port-a-potty while waiting in line to eat at a Cracker Barrel. Oh damn, that’s not a clue at all. Sorry.
1. North Louisiana
North Louisiana is Louisiana without the culture, the charm, the joie de vivre. That leaves North Louisiana with poverty, prisons, a piss-poor education system, and governmental corruption. Yeah, that’s an enticing buffet of suck piled atop suck. The true Louisiana – the one uncorrupted by Mississippi or Texas – is south of I-10. That’s where the party is. North Louisiana? Its claims to fame are Baptists, dry parishes, old people death traps aka casinos, and the Jena Six fiasco. Dear Lord, I pray you never let it come down to Mississippi or North Louisiana for me. Amen.