Cajun Tomato’s NYC 100: “Spare Me”

This is the seventh installment of Cajun Tomato’s NYC 100, a daily series chronicling my experiences and observations as a new New Yorker.

My bowling team, Throw It Down, lost our league match, 120-119 (cumulative average), Wednesday night at Brooklyn Bowl. This post is about my performance, and is written in the vein of a post-game interview with Carolina Panthers QB Cam Newton, who takes losses hard.

Opening Comments

I accept all blame for tonight’s loss. I am the leader of this team. It’s unacceptable for me to bowl an 83. We lost by one point. One freaking point! I apologize to everyone on my “Throw It Down” team, everyone in my borough, my family, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, our armed forces who protect my freedom to bowl, Walter Ray Williams III (my bowling idol), and everyone at Brooklyn Bowl. Am I leaving anyone out? Start the damn questions.

There were reports you bowled several times with BBQ sauce smeared across your face. Is that true, and if so how did it impact your performance?

I’m not sure where that came from. Yes, I ate a dozen wings during the match. I ate fried calamari too. Why didn’t you ask me about that? I am a grown-ass man. A grown-ass man needs fuel. My consumption of wings had nothing to do with this. That’s a chicken-shit assertion.

You knocked down nine pins on your first roll three times. Yet you failed to pick up any spares. Were those shots you had trouble with during the week?

No.

As in, you hit those shots during practice?

No. I didn’t practice. I believed in my God-given abilities.

What were you thinking on the 10th frame with your team trailing by a narrow margin?

I was born to do this.

But you failed to spare, leaving one pin up.

Sometimes you don’t do the things you’re born to do.

Did you feel emasculated that your girlfriend bowled a 168, more than twice your score?

Look, I know where you’re going with this. And yes, a man’s role in any relationship is to be king of the lanes. I’m pretty sure that’s the message of The Big Lebowski. Men bowl. I guess that means my girlfriend is actually a man. Tonight was a night of discoveries.

You rolled an 89 in your team’s Week 1 win. You rolled an 83 tonight. What would you say to those people who say you peaked years ago at Creole Lanes in Houma, La.?

Nobody says that, dad.

Any plans to change up your routine next week?

Yeah, I’ll probably go with the fried catfish.

Check back Friday for the eighth installment of Cajun Tomato’s NYC 100.

Written by: CajunTomato on October 11, 2012.