I grew up attending a Southern Baptist church in south Louisiana. Both my parents were ordained Southern Baptist ministers, though they long since switched denominations. I ate from a buffet of fundamentalist hatred and bigotry each Sunday morning for 12 to 15 years. No surprise, then, I have issues with organized religion. Today, I’m reading a book about Iraq’s people called Night Draws Near. Some of the fundamentalist clerics author Anthony Shadid described within remind me of Southern Baptist ministers I have encountered. I don’t need to meet anymore fundamentalist holy men — whether Christian or Muslim.
NOTE: This is a composite sketch of Southern Baptist ministers I heard preach — I did not include my parents in the composite because they always struck me as moderate, even left-leaning (oh no!). The worst offenders were the revivalists. They would scream and stomp and work themselves into striking distance of a heart attack. All to rescue sinners like me. Also: I upped the tithe amount most pastors request. Call it artistic liberties.
Click below for “Don’t, The Pastor Said (You’ll Go To Hell)”.
Don’t, the pastor said, or you’ll go to hell:
Abort anything under any circumstances anywhere
Break the 11th commandment — Reject everything!
Curse, even if the pastor gets on your (fuckin’) nerves
Dance like Big Freedia in the church aisles
Elect a man named Barack Hussein Obama president
Fuck. (Don’t worry. A stork will deliver the baby.)
Go Gay. (Add more closet space, if necessary)
Hire Muslims to cut your grass on Sunday
Imbibe cuz it leads to the first eight items I mentioned
Joke about God or dinosaurs or Noah’s fuckin’ ark. Ok?
Kill others, except Muslims in third-world countries
Let women preach (Let them cook post-church.)
Marry someone who has a bigger penis than you. (gasp!)
Neglect to tithe 20 percent (Small price for streets of gold)
Offend God; you wouldn’t like him when he’s pissed
Pretend it’s hot in hell because of global warming
Question anything I say (self-explanatory)
Rock out to anyone other than P.O.D.
Smoke weed like they do in godless Portland (cough)
Take a pill to prevent your miracle bastard spawn
Utilize your God-given critical thinking skills
View any movies besides Left Behind and/or VeggieTales
Wake the baby Jesus
Xerox sheep aka #FreeDolly #Baaaaaaahhhh
Yield to abortionists, gays, and hippies
Zero in on one thing; Reject everything!