NOTE: This is a piece about one of the most mysterious beards in recent memory. I am one to welcome fake gingers into the tribe (see: Florence Welch). But this situation has left me not knowing whether to include Frank in the ginger family or seek to have him prosecuted for wrongly impersonating a ginger. Don’t worry, Frank. I’m in Portland. You’re in Austin. It’s hard to prosecute you for crimes against gingers when we’re so far apart.
Frank’s got a flaming, new ginger beard
Maybe he was born with this fiery spectacle
Maybe it’s a devilish bottle miracle
The type that perplexes ICP, oh so hysterical
I am ten years past confused
Had him pegged for a Mexican not an Irish dude
I’m all about adding more peeps to the ginger tent
It’s just, the rest of his head is brunette.
They took errrr jobs, now they’re taking errrr beards
I will not stand for this err-front from these charlatans
Faux-bearded hipsters need to stick to skinny jeans and horned-rims
Or pretty soon us gingers won’t have any friends :’(
What’s that, Frank? You’re of Spanish descent?
Oh, so you’re a conquistador out to steal all ginger beards
You just confirmed my suspicion you were on an illegal mission
Shave your face of that post-pubescent disgrace or face deportation