“Jersey Shore” Is Back — That Can Only Mean One Thing

Deena’s cooka. Deena’s kooka. Deena’s cooka pictures uncensored.

People entered those gag-worthy terms into a search engine and ended up at the Cajun Tomato this week. I know this all-important knowledge thanks to WordPress analytics.

“Jersey Shore” — I typed “Jersey Shire” before correcting myself — is back with its fifth season Thursday night on MTV. Can you imagine Bilbo Baggins at the Shore? Or Snooki and Deena at the Shire? I digress.

I don’t know what “Jersey Shore” means to you — maybe it is guilt, maybe it is disgust, maybe it is meatball lust. For me, it means the aforementioned search items related to Deena’s vajayjay are going to cause my page views to shoot up like a Jersey hooker.

I don’t judge people who find my web site while looking for pictures of Deena’s privates. I am sure they spend time seeking knowledge about philosophy and science too.

CAJUN TOMATO PROBLEMS

I just moved into a house with no TV. I guess there is always watching “Jersey Shore” on the interwebs. Nothing says you have a serious addiction to bad reality TV like watching “Jersey Shore” on your laptop and cursing when the feed pauses to buffer.

I recall sitting in a Northwest Portland coffee shop early last year when a lady sat down next to me. (Sorry dad, this is not the part where I talk about how I wooed her with my smooth talk and made her my wife.) I started watching “Jersey Shore” and she gasped out loud like I had farted or spat coffee on her. I took out my earbuds.

“How can you watch that?” she demanded, breathless and self-righteous.

There were a 1,001 things I could have said at that point … the first of which being “How can you ask me a dumb question like that while I am trying to get my GTL on, bitch?”

I politely replied, “It makes me laugh,” and I put my earbuds back in. There was no point in getting into a long-winded discussion about how juicehead gorillas were proof the apocalypse was upon us. Not when Sammi Sweetheart and Ron-Ron Juice were fighting.

I miss Sammi Sweetheart and Ron-Ron Juice fighting. I miss fat Snooki. I miss J-Woww’s real face. I miss Snitchuation’s self-inflicted concussions. I miss THE SHORE!

I just imagined an alternate version of There Will Be Blood where Daniel Day Lewis shouted “I’VE ABANDONED MY SHORE” instead of “I’VE ABANDONED MY BOY.” This has serious sequel potential — There Will Be Shore. Sounds golden.

Stay tuned. Stay tan. Stay Jersey.

 

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