You’re welcome, Italy.
For all the ‘roided out aggression.
For all the overexposed meatball kookas.
For showing you the difference between hookers and Jersey.
You have seen the best guidos and guidettes our fine Shore had to offer. You will never see an Orange Dream Team like this again. Until, um, next Thursday night. Best Reality TV Night of My Life!
— Episode 11 put to rest any doubt about whether there was a brain under Pauly D’s exquisite blowout. His decision not to “do sex” with Deena, despite her embarrassing advances, revealed he knows an STD incubator when he sees one. That sort of recognition takes some smarts. Or not. Who am I kidding? Deena is an ATM. She puts out on the reg. I’m not fooled by her “I miss penis” charade. Let’s be clear: She only misses penis because she went on an Italian kooka holiday.
— Do sex, Deena style: do friends with benefits sex; do blackout sex and not remember the next morning; do friends with benefits blackout sex (i.e., Snooki and Vinny); don’t do sex, get rejected. The word relationship is not in Deena’s vocabulary. It is somewhere deep inside the Jersey Turnpike, I’m afraid.
— Hey Deena! Do dishes not sex! Do household chores not man whores! This could go on forever. And I can hear Deena saying, “I wish, bro! I wish, bro! I wish, bro!” on repeat. #Meatballproblems
— Yeah, Snitchuation’s a chauvinist pig. Or maybe it’s his abs that are the chauvinist. All I know is the guy would be a lot happier if he were showed off his Situation at Italian clubs. The problem with Snitchuation, as I see it, is he has stopped showing off his six-pack to adoring strangers; he’s content to sit in the corner sipping his drink with his creep-o shades on. This regimen change seems to be throwing his whole well-being off. He’s threatening to fight Italians at every turn. Maybe he is just really confident in his kickboxing. Or maybe he’s just not meant to play the villain.
— Who else wants to see Snitchuation fight a non-housemate just once? C’mon, MTV! Let that happen, please! I see no way Snitchuation wins unless it’s an ab-off. If it’s a boxing match he gets KTFO’d. From GTL to KTFO’d … pretty exciting way to spend your day, eh?
— Snitchuation hinted at not participating in Season 5 of “Jersey Shore.” Yeah, right! Dude’s gonna pass up that money? It’s not happening. PS: My friend Kimbo mentioned to me she thought Snitchuation received bonuses from producers for certain acts of villainery. I would not be surprised. His anti-guido behavior and Snooki’s various Lil Jionni meltdowns have carried Season 4.
— If Episode 11 taught us anything, it was don’t put your kooka in a hot jacuzzi. Your kooka will get burned. America needed to know. Thanks, meatballs!
— Lil Jionni reacted like most people would in a situation where their girlfriend told them they smooshed someone else within an hour of a breakup. But my guess is they will get back together. OK. It’s not a guess. I’ve read it on TMZ. My “Jersey Shore” addiction runs deep. Following “Jersey Shore” feels like following a world sporting event where most of the events are shown tape-delayed in America. What I mean is I feel like I know many of Season 5’s big developments already. Call me Cajun Tomato Nostradamus.