"Jersey Shore" — Season 4, Episode 12

Gone from Italy but never forgotten

Meatball+kooka sweat=this ginger gags.

That’s the equation I came up with to describe the Season 4 finale of “Jersey Shore.” It’s not Good Will Hunting writing on the chalkboard, but it will do for this post.

The finale was anti-climactic. The gang got drunk, tried to hook up with grenades, toured Florence’s sights, and talked about getting tan in Jersey. Now that I think about it: What REALLY happened in the Season 4 finale? Did I yawn throughout?

I need a six-hour energy drink, or two, to make sense of this cluster. Wink, wink at Deena and Sammi “Nada Sweetheart.” Way to shill, ladies. Stay energized!

– The last episode confirmed Snitchuation’s penchant for fighting/almost fighting in Season 4 matched the Ronnie/Sammi “Nada Sweetheart” argument streak in Season 2. I lost count how many episodes Snitchuation a) got into a fight b) threatened to beat someone’s ass or c) had an item thrown at him. Perhaps, the only episode(s) where he did not achieve at least one of those three milestones was when he had a neck brace on — which were the result of him getting his ass stomped … by a wall. Someone needs to inform him that villains should be compelling. His behavior was too fake and predictable to fool anyone in the house. But on the bright side: He is officially the best shadow kickboxer in the history of reality TV.

— The odds of Snitchuation not taking a Season 5 paycheck were about as good as Deena and Pauly D doing the sex thing. The Season 5 advance promo shows Snitchuation at the Jersey Shore. It does not show Deena and Pauly D doing sex. Then again, this is still a basic cable show not the much anticipated Deena Cortese porno set for release five years from now. Word is Deena will record a cover of Alicia Keys’ “Fallin'” for her porn debut.

— Speaking of Ms. Blast In A Glass, Deena had an impressive streak of using the phrases “do sex” and “kooka” in Season 4. Now, if she can just put them together … and stop using the phrase “kooka sweat.” I know, meatball problems. I get it. But does the whole world need to know about your kooka releasing moisture? Did Italy need to know?

— Also gross and mentally disturbing: The joke about the ladies in the house cleaning being as rare as Snitchuation wearing a condom. I forget who said it. I didn’t take a single note this episode. I should have downed a six-hour energy drink and scribbled anecdotes. Back to reality: That dude’s gonna make a grenade baby soon, if he’s not careful. What are the odds he makes a grenade baby with Deena? She’s a grenade, right?

— Guidos/guidettes don’t like classical art? Who would have guessed? Deena would “do sex” with the Michaelangelo sculpture? Who would have guessed? Yes, he could have used a spray tan and a meatball to get him aroused. Poor guy. Soft for eternity. That’s the definition of guido problems.

— Ronnie=premature ejaculator? His “performance” with Sammi “Nada Sweetheart” raised questions about whether ‘roids kept him from raging in the bedroom. I guess guidos and guidettes are not into the whole foreplay thing. It takes away time from the gym, tanning, laundry lifestyle. Hey! Perhaps Deena’s porn series will be a GTL trilogy!

— Months ago, there was talk about Snooki and J-Woww getting their own reality show. Pauly D also had a deal to do a reality show for MTV. At what point does oversaturation occur? At what point do the show’s producers have to branch out and find either new stars or new wrinkles for the series? Don’t expect radical changes in Season 5, except for Vinny leaving the house for an unspecified time. It’s like everyone says at the Jersey Shore: If it ain’t broke, take shots and show your kooka! Woohoo!

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