"Jersey Shore" — Season 4, Episode 6

"Jersey Shore": My new/old addiction

“Jersey Shore” has taught viewers important lessons over the years like how to execute the perfect fist pump, the virtues of GTL, and when it’s appropriate to hook up with a housemate (always). We’ve also learned that when you say your only rule is not to fall in love at the Shore you should probably keep that rule.

And this year is once again teaching us that if you are a juicehead gorilla — or any man — you have to know when to break up with your psychotic on again, off again bronzed nutjob — or lady friend. Thanks Ronnie for being a selfless teacher.

Episode 6 illustrated this lesson yet again with Ronnie and Sammi “Nada Sweetheart” pledging to give it one last try. At this point, they are treating viewers like special needs learners. Truth is they are special needs learners, when it comes to love.

– Everyday is Groundhog’s Day on “Jersey Shore” with respect to Ronnie and Sammi’s “relationship.” When Sammi said in Episode 6 she and Ronnie were going to do it different this time I heard a groan that could be heard all the way from Italy. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe that was just me groaning. I understand the concept of breaking up and then getting back together. I don’t understand the concept of doing this three times per week. How naive are these kids? What are you gonna do different? Have one blowout fight every two episodes instead of every episode?

– At least Ronnie and Sammi show occasional warmth. Snooki’s relationship with Jionni seems one-sided as it can be. Snooki is in love and wants to smoosh, like yesterday. Jionni wants to run away and not ever hear Snooki mention smooshing again. If I were a juicehead gorilla — OK, I admit I AM a juicehead gorilla — I would leave this meatball in the pan for more marinating. Of the four ladies in the house, I would probably smoosh Deena first. I would not be proud of it though. I’d smoosh J-Woww last because she rips dudes heads off after sex. I need my head to showcase my gorgeous Cajun Tomato mane.

– I’ve never wondered what it would look like if two meatballs fought, mostly because I’ve been too busy eating them. But Episode 6 provided me a pretty clear idea of what a meatball fight would look like. It would be underwhelming and messy and mindless. I doubt Deena and Snooki could collectively kick a midget’s ass must less a grown person. Yet, they decided to fight someone in Italy, and then ended up inexplicably pulling each other’s hair. What idiots! The truth is Deena probably had a beef after getting a drink dumped on her. You can’t take that sitting down. Especially when you’re 4-foot-nothing.

– One of Episode 6′s highlights came when a priest told Snooki she needed to cover up when walking in front of the church. I don’t blame the guy. She walks around looking like a lady of the night. No need to tempt the faithful, right? Snooki’s perplexed reaction to the priest’s comment made this scene. “God likes my tits. He made my tits,” Snooki reflected. J-Woww, without missing a beat, chimed in, “He didn’t make mine.” Ho ho ho! Fake tits, fake face, fake reality, FTW!

– Take the brace off already, Situation, you big baby! That’s really all I have to say. Stop crying, stop snitching, stop dumpster diving for sympathy! You’re an embarrassment to the entire proud city of Manalapan, New Jersey!

– Fist bump, pushup, chapstick. The alternate universe version of gym, tanning, laundry. Sometimes I feel like I have tapped into an alternate universe when I watch this show. Don’t do drugs, kids! Watch “Jersey Shore.” OK. Better advice: Read a book. Not Snooki’s New York Times bestseller. Something else, please!

– What was that Italian dude thinking telling Deena he got that mark on his neck from his sister? Has he never met a sophisticated American woman before? Probably not. Deena does not qualify. You can’t tell a woman — even one as sexually desperate as Deena — that you got a hickey from your sister. That’s not the path to the Smoosh Room.

Written by: CajunTomato on September 10, 2011.