"Jersey Shore" — Season 4, Episode 7

"Jersey Shore": My new/old addiction

WARNING: There are lots of “cooka” related spoilers in this recap so if you haven’t seen Episode 7 you probably should watch it and then read this later.

“Deena’s cooka” is the No. 1 search item for my blog today. And it’s not even close. Some people have arrived at my site by searching “Deena’s cooka pictures.”

Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t have any pictures of Deena’s “cooka.” Ironically, the mere mention of the words “pictures of Deena’s cooka” might actually bring me more page views. Hooray for the Interwebs!

If you watched Episode 7 Thursday night, you know that Deena’s cooka came out with a vengeance. She and Snooki snookered for hours.  Ooh la la! or Ugh la la! You decide!

– How many drinks does it take to get a Meatball sloshed? It’s a question that is on par with how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop. My guess is they get wasted off six shots in a night. Any more than six and they are fall down, lesbianic drunk (i.e., Deena). Hence their behavior at the beach and the club in Episode 7.

— Kudos to Deena, America’s guidette diplomat to Italy, for asking an Italian bartender the $64,000 question at the beach: “Do you know what a cooka is? It’s another name for a lady’s vagina … A lady’s private area.” An Italian man mentions they should be a little more discreet. The guidette chorus sings: “We don’t care. We’re from Jersey.” New Jersey could not be any more proud right now. Garden State should be renamed Guido State!

— Per the Meatball Marinara Makeout Session: Like Snooki and Deena have never made out before? They get blackout drunk on the reg and Deena has bi-curious tendencies. It’s happened before, I’d bet. A Meatball Marinara Makout Session is not really hot; it’s rather laughable and sloppy. Kinda like how I imagine Deena’s “cooka.”

— About that “cooka”: I feel like half of Italy’s twentysomething population saw Deena’s “cooka” while the “Jersey Shore” cast was abroad. What are the odds she is broke in five years and stars in a “Jersey Shore” themed porno? 1 to 1? Yeah, I’d book it as a certainty unless somehow the show continues for the next five years and she doesn’t need the money. Hell, it probably will happen regardless of whether the show continues or not. There is nothing sadder than a Meatball former reality starlet getting smooshed for a few measly dollars. Shaking my head at Future Porn Star Deena!

— Another thought about Deena and Snooki: Good Lord, they were lucky they were black out drunk. Can you imagine how bad their mouths tasted while they making out? Vomit in my Guido mouth! Their makeout session was a defacto Listerine commercial.

— Jionni is a juicehead gorilla douchebag, sure. But wouldn’t you be a juicehead gorilla douchebag too if you were dating Snooki? They should break up … if for no other reason to avoid a future domestic violence charge. Jionni is not down with Snooki’s wild child behavior. What guy would be? It’s an upset when he doesn’t flip out about Snooki making out with Deena. I think he didn’t flip out because he is just too exasperated.

— Funniest quote of the show: Whatever! I forgot to put underwears on! (Guess who said it. Hahaha!) Runner-up: All I know is Deena needs a wax! (D’oh! J-Woww just gave away the first quote.) Third place: Put it away. (That’s J-Woww about Deena’s vagina. Lollerskates!) Honorable mention: I need a food. (Deena)

— “Lunch. Dinner. Club. Beach.” The girls’ equivalent to Gym, Tanning, Laundry? Seems like they should put beach before club and dinner, but that’s just me. Wasted beach strolls might be the best … “Jersey Shore” teach us something, yo!

— Why did Deena even pack clothes to the beach? Why did she pack underwear? No point. Just a waste of space in the Fiat.

— As if this episode were not “action-packed” enough, Snooki wrecks into a cop car at the end. I feel like Deena’s spit formed a spider web over Snooki’s eyes that kept her from seeing that police car in front of her. That or she is just too small to see above the steering wheel. Get that girl a booster seat, yo! There was a great bit of unintentional humor when Deena says “we hit a cop” and Snooki responds “fuck me.” Ho ho ho! Why were they going to the gym anyway? Didn’t they get enough exercise?

— I’m not too proud to say I watched a little bit of the “Jersey Shore: After Hours” show last night. It was the WORST. TELEVISION. PROGRAM. OF. ALL. TIME!!!! That is no hyperbole. I pledge on Deena’s “cooka” that is the truth. Ugh la la!

 

 

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