"Jersey Shore" — Season 4, Episode 8

No. I don't have photos of Deena's kooka.

Deena’s kooka, Deena’s kooka, Deena’s kooka …

… Snooki’s kooka, Snooki’s kooka, Snooki’s kooka.

All this meatball kooka is going to cause my Cajun head to explode. Notice: I spelled kooka correctly this week. Last week I came in first on Yahoo! and Google searches for Deena’s cooka, a term I misspelled.

My goal this week is to attain the top slot for Snooki’s kooka. It’s probably a long shot, like the odds of Jionni and Snooki’s relationship working after the events of Episode 8.

Here are my thoughts on an episode full of tears, bad dancing, and, you guessed it, kooka sightings.

— Is Season Four building to a kooka-off between Snooki and Deena? What would a kooka-off look like? Probably something like a Big Freedia show. If you don’t know about Big Freedia, you need to YouTube the Queen Diva after reading this post.

— I can’t figure out Lil Jionni. Yes, Lil Jionni. Kid is 5-foot-4 tops. He says “I love you” to Snooki yet rejects her personality. Why be with someone whose kooka-exposing habits you cannot stand? Toward the end of the episode he says they are single. Will they stay that way? The teaser for Episode 9 shows Snooki hooking up with Vinny. Ruh roh!

— Snooki’s stock took a dive this week. Her bawling fits bookended the episode. First, she flipped out about the prospect of being arrested after hitting the cop car. Later in the episode, she had a colossal meltdown after Lil Jionni walked out on her at the club. At least the first crying spell had a positive conclusion — Snooki got her license revoked. The second one? Not so much. Lil Jionni is off to the airport, at episode’s end. Lil guido babies will have to wait. Darn! The world needs lil guido babies so bad right now!

— Lil Jionni has a tan weiner. I know this because Snooki cannot help but kiss and tell. She reminds me of Pee Wee Herman. She is loud and inappropriate and a bit unstable. It was weird how emotional she became when Lil Jionni arrived and then left. She transferred her rage in the latter situation toward her friends, particularly J-Woww. That was totally uncalled for. She was lucky Crazy J-Woww did not come out.

— While I am on J-Woww: What happened to her balls this season? She cried like a baby when she learned her boyfriend Roger would not be visiting in Italy. The old J-Woww would have brushed the situation off. I blame her new face. Her new face is making her soft. PS: After watching this episode I now know why MTV has not showed her dancing often throughout the series. The word dancing might be insulted by that last sentence.

— Solid character rebound episode for Deena, I thought. There were no kooka sightings from her nor lesbehonest behavior. She was a decent meatball friend for Snooki, even though Snooki was a ghastly guidette toward everyone around her. I still like the odds Deena’s kooka will be featured in a “Jersey Shore”-themed porno in the next five years.

— Sammi “Nada Sweetheart” never fails to amaze me with her lack of self-awareness. Her realization, while watching Snooki and Lil Jionni’s argument, that she and Ronnie’s fights had an adverse effect on housemates came two seasons late. Guidettes are not known for their intelligence, I guess. At least they are tan!

— Am I the only one who wanted to see Lil Jionni pummel Kung Fu Panda Snitchuation? Lil Jionni is basically a less ripped version of Ronnie. I would bet money Lil Jionni could take Snitchuation, wall or no wall. Bruce Lee, while rotting in his grave, could kick Snitchuation’s ass. I would pay to see that. Who’s got dead Bruce Lee’s number?

— Go home, Brittany! Cuddle with your virgin twin! Make your parents proud by not appearing slutty and deranged on a television show millions of people watch! Oy!

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