"Jersey Shore" — Season 4, Episode 9

No. I don't have photos of Deena's kooka.

Ahhhhhh. So that’s what a kooka-free “Jersey Shore” episode looks like. I had forgotten.

The theme of Episode 9 was less kooka, more ugly tears. There was a pregnancy scare, bad dancing at imitation Karma, and a surprise rebound hookup at episode’s close.

It’s all leading up to an inglorious conclusion four episodes from now, I am sure. What will I do with myself once the season ends? Must. Not. Think. About. This! (slow tear)

Italian-style Guido Super Party in 3, 2, 1 ….

— Snooki answered the age-old question of how does a guidette get over a broken heart in this week’s episode. The answer: booze, dancing, smooshing — but not always in that order. In one of Episode 9’s lighter moments, Snooki tells a group of Italian girls to avert their eyes because she is about to dance her sorrow away. Dancing is not the remedy for a broken heart, guidettefriend! OK. Maybe it is.

— It’s never a wise move to mention your girlfriend or ex’s name in the same sentence with the word pig. That’s always going to cause drama. Even if you say something like “That was the cutest pig I’ve ever seen. It reminded me of you, babe.” That’s a no-no. Micro Machine Juicehead Gorilla Jionni should have known better. Maybe he did and did not care. After all, Snooki did show her pint-sized kooka to the whole club.

— Interesting logic from Snooki on why she whipped her kooka out for Jionni at the club. She said, “If you want to look slutty one night when your man is here you should be able to look slutty. You want to have sex with him obv … ” This is your girlfriend, Jionni. She is not the second coming of Mother Teresa. She might be the second coming of Teresa, the mother down the street who sexes her son’s friends. Just warning you, bro!

— I think America tried to impregnate Deena telepathically with all of its searches for “Deena’s cooka” the past two weeks. Granted, America failed because the term is spelled kooka. Deena’s kooka rides on, sans baby! This is the best day of her life!

— Deena saying she is not ready for a kid is like Ronnie and Sammi “Nada Sweetheart” finally coming to the realization they are toxic for one another. How do you say “d’uh” in Guidoese? One other thought: A Deena baby would have dramatically increased the odds she would star in a “Jersey Shore”-themed porno in the next five years. Oh well.

— Snitchuation wins a Cajun Tomato Award For Creepiness in a Reality Show for his performance in Episode 9. From his rape stare from 1,000 yards off look during the fake Karma dance club party to this quote — “Snooki, why don’t you break up with your boyfriend and let me rock your world, girl.” — Snitchuation put on a virtuoso creep show.

— Ronnie and Sammi “Nada Sweetheart” are being way, way too normal. How long can that last? He’s due for a steroid-fueled flare-up, right? Hopefully, Ronnie knocks out Snitchuation this time. That would be a satisfactory ending to the Italy experiment.

— Applebottom jeans with the Snooki boots with the fur … Remix, remix! Why do the guidettes dance so poorly? I’m not saying the guidos on the show dance much better. But the guidettes just stumble around out of rhythm. It’s not too smooshy — smooshy is my new word synonymous with sexy. Feel free to use it in conversation.

— It always amazes me how the “Jersey Shore” cast can go from zero to slutty in Lamborghini Time. That goes for the men and women in the cast. Snooki breaks up with Jionni and hours later is in bed with Vinny “Seabiscuit.” Do the castmates have a clause in their contract where they get a bonus if they have sex with each other? It’s like these kids are action figures and they have a round button that can be pushed to amp up the slutty factor. To that end: If they weren’t so slutty would anyone watch the show? Probably not. Can’t see prudes on the Jersey Shore being much fun to watch.

 

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