“Jersey Shore” — Season 5, Episode 1

Back in Jersey! Tanorexics no more!

Same Shore, Different Season. (copyrighted)

OK. There was no need to (fake) copyright that. It is not like MTV is going to read this blog and swoop in and steal that tagline. I mean, it is not even flattering.

The fifth season of “Jersey Shore” kicked off with a familiar setting (Seaside Heights) and familiar drama — Snooki and Snitchuation’s feud, a slut-tastic appearance from Snooki’s BFF Ryder, and the trials and tribulations of anxiety-ridden Vinny.

Viewers know what they are getting from “Jersey Shore” at this point — Deena’s cooka, although not in this episode. MTV knows what it is getting too — strong ratings.

Click below for my thoughts on Season 5’s debut:

— After hinting he might not participate in Season 5, Snitchuation resumes his bad guy role in the first episode. The lack of fat on his body appears to have made him a lunatic. How else do you explain his obsession with proving he hooked up with Snooki while she was dating Lil Jionni? Normal people with undefined abs hook up and move on. They do not seek to bring in third parties to “confirm” the deed has been done. That is some high school nonsense. Snitchuation=high school nonsense.

— Snitchuation’s podnah, The Unit, also has abs of steel and a brain full of rocks. Watching him and Snooki argue back and forth was like watching Mensa members play ping pong with their minds. Or not. At one point, he asked Snooki, “Is you going off on somebody for no apparent reason?” I wrote underneath, “What an idiot!” I hope for his sake he was onĀ Special K when this episode was filmed. That would explain a lot.

— Speaking of idiots: C’mon, Lil Jionni! How can you say you like Snitchuation when he is trying to break your relationship up? Wake up, you Lilliputian lush!

— Poor Deena. She’s got the boobs, the Jersey turnpike, and the cooka. But the one thing she does not have is Pauly D’s D. Her failed attempt to cockblock Ryder wreaked of a pound of hairspray, fake tanning products, and infinite sadness. Some girls cannot give the cooka away. Lesbehonest: It might be time to go Lesbionic!

— Pauly D offered the line of the night about sexing Snooki’s BFF Ryder, who has also hooked up with Vinny and the Unit. Pauly D said, “Whether you’re the first one in or the last one in … Ryder!” His quote reminded me: The difference between being a Jersey whore and a wannabe Jersey whore is thisclose. There is still hope, Deena!

— Snooki’s most memorable moment of the first episode came when she declared she had pissed her bed inside the cast’s beach house last season. If she pissed her bed, imagine what she did in the jacuzzi. OK. Do not imagine. She is her generation’s Pee Wee Herman, albeit more obnoxious and less self-aware.

— The cast acted in many ways like Italy was a third world country … and then the returned to the States and acted like Jersey was, um, not a third world country. I take it back. I love my Garden State fanbase. Armpit of America …. psssh. Whatever.

— I thought the show’s producers depicted Vinny’s anxiety honestly. The reactions of his housemates were enlightening. No, Pauly and Deena, you cannot whore yourself through anxiety issues. Real life does not work like that. You cannot fist pump your way through serious anxiety issues either. Hopefully, Vinny’s struggles will raise awareness for others enduring the same issues he has dealt with.

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