“Jersey Shore” — Season 5, Episode 3

Same Shore, Different Season

Depending on whether you take I-9 North or Garden State Parkway North, Seaside Heights, N.J., is either 58 or 63 miles from Staten Island, N.Y., according to mapquest.com.

I mention this because on last week’s “Jersey Shore” — I just watched it tonight because I just broke free from a “Dexter” marathon — the housemates moped about the departure of everyone’s BFF, Vinny, in a manner that made it seem like he moved across the globe.

Thing is he only went 90 minutes away, tops. Rumor has it one guido can see another guido fist pump from that distance, if they have the right amount of gel in their hair and at least one guidette in the club is DTF. Rumor also has it Pauly D’s blowout was the first visible from space, but I digress.

Vinny’s departure from the show amid anxiety issues, while likely a short-lived hiatus, provided some much-needed drama to a house low on surprises as Season 5 started. There are only so many times Snooki can fall down, Deena can expose her kooka and Snitchuation can be Snitchuation before it gets tiresome.

There are only so many times I can write about “Jersey Shore” before … nah, it will continue to be awesome. Cab’s here!

— So let me get this right … Pauly D smooshed a tattooed cougar Vinny would have liked in Vinny’s bed to honor him? Look up friendship in the dictionary and you will find a picture of Pauly D in the midst of coitus. Just don’t look now. The image is probably not safe for work.

— Funny Pauly D should label the woman a cougar. I would bet she was younger than him. He turned 31 on this episode, proving you are never too young to Whore Around The Shore.

— Um, speaking of whoring around the shore, Team Meatball drank three Red Headed Sluts, two Jager Bombs and half a Bacardi Breeze and got “wasteypants,” as Snooki would say. That drink count is only an estimate based on a complex formula using Snooki and Deena’s height, weight, and the number of times MTV blurred the area around their genitals this episode. Meatballs sure do know how to dance their panties off.

— Deena was a (not so) hot mess this week. She broke down over Vinny (“He was like my soul”) and opened up about why she gets along with gay men so well (basically, they don’t try to “do sex” with her when she’s blackout drunk). Her hair also morphed into a gigantic tangled vine of weaveness from dancing too hard. What are the odds Deena will go on the disabled list for a “dislocated kooka” at some point this season? 5 to 1? Better?

— “It should be against the law to come to my house at 4 o’clock in the morning and not give me birthday sex.” ~ Pauly D, future governor of Rhode Island.

— Did Eric Cartman hijack Snitchuation’s voice toward episode’s end when he pronounced care as cahhhh. I bet Cartman would like Snitchuation. They are both from the same tribe — diabolical yet not too smart.

— Plenty of face time for Snitchuation’s lackey/BFF “The Unit” and hippie squeeze/DTF buddy Paula. They are a couple of Rhodes Scholars. I hope they solve our oil dependency issue soon.

— Toward episode’s end, the cast reacted as if Snitchuation left the house for good. Yeah, right. But if he did, his hometown of Manalapan, N.J. is only 35 minutes max from Seaside Heights. Thanks, Mapquest!

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