America is fucked. I know, I know. I am being too optimistic. Forgive me.
Kim Kardashian has more than 12 million Twitter followers. Theoretically, she could be our next president. If Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, or Ron Paul were serious about reaching the White House they would ask Kardashian to run as her vice-president. PS: Did America divorce Newt Gingrich while I was sleeping? Guy is unlucky in love.
Kardashian could be the next American Idol. Instead of singing she would play her dimly lit porn with Ray J every week before a live studio audience. “Yeah dawg, you really made that one your own,” Idol judge Randy Jackson would bark after watching the clip.
I knew this fake empire, as Matt Berninger would say, was fucked before tonight … I am not naive. I just did not realize how fucked. On a scale of 1 to 10, we are about 12 million.
Why anyone would follow Kardashian’s tweets is beyond me. She has the substance of a stale fruit loop. She is worshipped for her ass. HER ASS! Is Kim Kardashian’s ass going to bring about the Rapture? Should we keep her ass holy on the Sabbath? I digress.
Ironically, the reason I know how many followers Kardashian has is because hip-hop heavyweight Kanye West follows her. She is one of five people he follows — the other four have around 29,000 followers combined.
I learned about Kanye’s Kardashian interest while reading up on an epic twit rant he launched this evening about his vast collection of ideas to make the world better. He apparently is starting a new project called Donda, in honor of his late mother.
My favorite part of his tweet circus?
“I know this is not a very rapper thing to say but I haven’t bought a new car or piece of jewelry in about 2 years… ” Kanye tweeted shortly after midnight Central Standard Time.
Holy shit! Kanye feels the plight of the common man! No new Cartier watches or Maybach cars. What a sacrifice!
Kanye also suggested the abolishment of higher math classes for anyone except math majors. No trig, geography, algebra, or any of that garbage. Learn to stack paper, and stop wasting time with all these angles and other bogus shit, to paraphrase Kanye. I can dig it.
I applaud Kanye for seeking to spark a positive change, and thinking out of the box. Now, if only he would unfollow Kardashian, he could start an unfollowing revolution. No, it wouldn’t create jobs for millions of unemployed Americans, but it would put their fingers to work. That is likely the best we can hope for in the Year of the Mayan Apocalypse.