In fewer than two weeks, American Olympians will parade through the Olympic Stadium in London in Ralph Lauren-designed red, white, and blue uniforms made in China. That communists made our Olympic uniforms bunched up several American politicians’ knickers the past few weeks. A patriotic nation like America should send its warriors, I mean athletes, into battle in garb made by the hands of their countrymen, the politicians shouted, especially when said patriotic nation has 8 percent unemployment.
I am conflicted. One part of me thinks this whole made in America argument is ludicrous. China is my official outfitter five days per week. The other two days I am a nudist. TMI? NAH. The other part of me questions why Bravo or some other reality whore network didn’t create a show where contestants competed to make American Olympic uniforms out of silly string, whip cream, and duct tape. It’s un-American not to turn everything into a reality TV famewhore event – especially when the alternative is a fashion atrocity that recalls sportswear for France’s 1 percenters.
America’s uproar about its Olympics jerseys mirrors other countries, such as Spain, that outsourced their Olympic uniform design or manufacturing. You see? America isn’t even unique when it comes to bitching about Olympic uniforms. I can’t wait for HBO’s The Newsroom to inject a 10-minute rant about this into one of its future episodes.
Speaking of TV spectacles, Olympic Stadium in London will be transformed into the world’s largest catwalk on July 27. The latest collections from names like Armani, McCartney, Lauren, and Scervino will be modeled. Sadly, there will be no fresh Yeezy collection. (“Yo Giorgio, your Italy jerseys are nice and all, but I could have made one of the dopest Azzuri outfits of all-time!” ~ Kanye in the future).
The day after the opening ceremonies people will shut up about where the country’s uniforms were made and instead hunger for sporting events they last cared about four years ago. However, for now, all people seem to want to talk about is fashion – yes, we have entered the Twilight Zone.
Not everyone is fuming about its uniforms though.
The Republic of Azerbaijan, a nation of 9 million living at the intersection of Western Asia and Eastern Europe, hired Italian Ermanno Scervino to make them look elegant in defeat, according to the Houston Chronicle. No one in Azerbaijan is MEGA PISSED about this. You know why? No one in Azerbaijan has heard of the Olympics. Give Azeris 20 years and they will be MEGA MEGA PISSED sort of like the people of Spain.
Spaniards can win all the soccer competitions they want but they still must live with the own goal-like shame that they can’t design an Olympic uniform. I mean, how bad are you if you hire a Russian company (Bosco) to take an African Safari-hued shit on a shirt and call it your Olympic kit? On the plus side: The design cost them nothing. (Spain collectively shrugs and curses under its breath.)
England’s uniforms will also be made in other countries. The Brits aren’t too pissed, as best I can tell. They are still mourning the loss of Princess Diana too much to work up a furor.
For those who don’t follow the Olympics, England has Gold Medal favorites in little-known events like royal weddings, tea time etiquette, and best funeral song adaptation. While competing in such competitions they will wear Stella McCartney duds. Sir Paul’s daughter is allied with Adidas, a German-owned company. England’s unis will be made in Turkey, Portugal, the Far East and the U.K., according to The Daily Telegraph’s breathless reporting.
More bothersome are allegations England’s Olympic fan gear is being produced in sweatshops. Once again, the Daily Telegraph is your best source for all things uniform-related for the 2012 Olympics.
Designers in Italy (Armani) and Germany (Bogner) created their respective nations’ uniforms. So too did Russia. I want my Spanish readers to guess who created Russia’s unis. What’s that? Bosco created Russia’s unis and they did a good job? Si!!!! Oh, and Russia also manufactured its Olympic kits.
Recently, the U.S. Olympic Committee pledged to use American-made uniforms for the 2014 Olympics in Sochi, Russia. How sweet! We have two more years to become like the Russians before we take all their golds and drink all their vodka. Take that Putin!