Cajun Tomato’s NYC 100: “Places Where Teens Make Out In NYC”

This is the 25th installment of Cajun Tomato’s NYC 100, a periodic series chronicling my observations and insights as a new New Yorker. You can read past dispatches here.

A week ago I labeled New York City as “No Drive City” because I had driven in the city three times in three months. This is a stark contrast to the bayous of south Louisiana where I learned to drive as a peach-fuzzed 16-year-old, and subsequently peeled rubber and polluted the atmosphere for the next decade.

My friend Marie read the post and wondered, “Where do the kids make out if they don’t have cars?” Good question. Here’s places where teens make out in NYC, or I imagine they do. I felt it unnecessary to title the post places where teens without cars make out in NYC because unless your papa is loaded or you live way, way, way out in Queens, you’re not driving as a teen in New York City.

1.While waiting in line to use the Starbucks bathroom
I’ll admit this is not the most private place. The line for the Starbucks bathroom is usually pretty long, but there’s the added bonus of continuing the make-out session once you’re inside the Starbucks bathroom. I’m almost positive babies have been conceived in Starbucks bathrooms in New York City. Also: It’s scientifically proven highly caffeinated make-out sessions full of heart palpitations are the best make-out sessions.

2.In the Empire State Building’s elevator
New York City teens are brash. They don’t care if strangers watch them make-out. Their sole regret is their make-out session is not being filmed by MTV. The Empire State Building affords them an opportunity for a long make-out session on the way up and down. Of course this could be considered a pricey make-out session. The view’s amazing though.

3.In your local library branch’s history section
Let’s face it: Kids these days hate history. That’s why if you’re a nerdy teen who wants a secluded make-out spot your local New York Public Library branch’s history section is the way to go. A make-out session, then check out a book by Doris Kearns Goodwin. It’s the ultimate win-win. PS: This regrettably won’t work in the Harlem library on W. 145th Street. Not because I’ve tried it, but that library is smaller than a baby red ant. What does Ratchet Town have against reading?

4.Central Park
Central Park is called Central Park because it’s the Central Park of teen make-out sessions. Every teen in a 10-mile radius comes to Central Park to make out in the grass or on a bench or any other place Woody Allen once fantasized about his Asian stepdaughter who is now his wife. It’s rumored New Jersey kids take the train to NYC so they can suck face in Central Park.

5. In the back of a Zipcar
This option is for teens who are traditionalists about their make-out sessions. For just $11.95 per hour you can make-out in the backseat of a Honda Civic where legions of other teens lost their innocence. Innocence Lost In The Backseat Of A Zipcar sounds like a terrible Lifetime movie, by the way. You’re probably better off not thinking about the bodily fluids exchanged in your Zipcar.

6. Down with the Mole People
I admit, I didn’t know who the Mole People were until last night when my roommates educated me about them. This option is for the gutter punks or well-off kids who crave danger (and rats, lots of rats) with their make-out sessions. Sometimes you have to travel underground to achieve make-out nirvana. Just watch out for the Mole People. They need love too.

So that’s it. No more kissies for you. Where would you go to make out if you were a teen in New York City?

Return Wednesday for another installment of Cajun Tomato’s NYC 100.

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